Tuesday, March 31, 2009


I saw few anonymous comments on my blog and just realised that my blog actually has readers :)
It's possible that this blog has more reader than i thought, so i am going to use this blog to promote my husband's photography business too :). Hopefully some of you who came across this blog interested on it.

I think i've mentioned his photo blog before (8Round), but it was just a collection of his photos. Recently, he decided to try photography as a side business, and that's when he entered on of his photos to the WedComp competition, and actually won 1st place.

He changed the name from 8Round to Photo4Life, which i think is better. He does Engagement, Wedding, Family, Kids and Babies, and also Products. We truly enjoy taking photos of people, for us it doesnt feel like a job but more like fun and relaxing time on the weekend, where we can go places and do funny stuff to get the best photo possible. And nothing can beat the feeling looking at the happy couple or family enjoying their time.

He is doing promotional package now on wedding, engagement and family photo. Please visit his website here Photo4Life, and drop him any queries or pricing request :)


It's 9.30pm now, i've been helping Indra with sample album for his photography business.
It's really fun and i enjoy it so much and finished when my eyes were getting sore because of the computer screen.
Didnt realised that i've spent 3 hours in front of this big screen. Then i took a shower.
That's when the sadness striked again. I just cant let myself idle doing nothing, otherwise all those negative thoughts will come back. When im by myself, i can feel myself slowly slipping down, i always ask Indra to company me, i never let myself alone at home.

I was lucky that Ka Ira was online and got me into conversation and she shared this beautiful poem.

Footprints In The Sand

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Scenes from his life flashed across the sky
and he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life had flashed before him,
he recalled that at the lowest and saddest times of his life
there was only one set of footprints.

Dismayed, he asked, "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
I don't understand why, when I needed you most,
you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious child.
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering
when you saw only one set of footprints...
That was when I carried you."

Carolyn Joyce Carty ©

God, thank you for being there for me..
I am going through my trial and suffering now
I can only see one set of footprints and they belong to You.
But i believe that You are carrying me with You..

*Thank you Ka Ira for sharing this beautiful poem with me*

Monday, March 30, 2009


I made these booties especially for Em, I think the bow makes them look girly,but I love the colour and I'm sure Em wouldn't mind wearing them :)

"Baby Em,
Just now mommy made special booties for you..
I really wish you were here to wear them,I'm sure they look good on you.
Mommy made them by hand full of love for you.
Every stitches represent my love for you and how much I miss you
You are too special for me and nothing can replace you.."


Sunday, March 29, 2009


Last Saturday we finally bought the sofa that i posted before on this blog.
We were planning to bargain a little bit that day and wait for another week, when we reached the shop, all the sales person were busy attending customers and we were alone for sometime. We then decided to go back and come back the following week.
But then we found one free sales person and tried to bargain with him.

He said the price has been reduced so much he couldnt give us anymore discount.
He told us that by Monday the price will change, there will be an increase by 35% on all import furniture, and that day only, he sold 15 of that sofa.
Well, he could be lying about the price increase but we just couldnt lose another one. So we paid the deposit, and we are happy with it.

I finally found the dress for Robin and Tiens' wedding.
I was so reluctant to buy new dress.
I know that i've gained few kilos from the pregnancy and i still have some on me. It would be a devastating dress hunting.
But im really happy with the one i found, it's a long dress and looks ok for me, not superb but good enough to hide my fat. I cant believe i've gone from size 10 to 12 :(
Well, not really 12, probably 11, but they dont normally sell size 11, except for jeans.

Arrghh...why is it so hard to lose the last 3kg???


"Suddenly i realised that i have a daughter.
I remember that i havent been around for her for sometime, someone else taking care of her, feeding and holding her. I forgot that i have a daughter because i was too focused on my grieving for Em.
So, i came back to see my daughter and i held her in my arms, and the hole in my heart was filled up again.
She has a dark black wavy hair like me, and she is so beautiful.
When i came back to see her, she was in this room with other kids, and she was colouring a picture and when she saw me, she just dropped everything in her hand, smiling and running towards me, and she shouted "Mommy!!" with her arms wide open. I lift her up and hug her, and at that very moment, i felt my life complete again."

Yes, that was my dream.
In case you dont know, im a dreamer, i dream every night and about anything.
Mostly related to what's happened on that day or to what's been hanging on my mind.
Since i lost Em, never once i dream about him, and it's so weird because it affected my life so much and i miss him everyday but not once he came to my dream. I miss him so much to the point i asked God to bring him to my dream. But still nothing.

And suddenly i had this dream.
When i woke up, i realised there was an important message on my dream. I felt like this dream is telling me to move on. If i focused too much on what's in the past, i would never see what could happen in the future. In my dream, i was grieving too deep that i didnt realised i have a daughter.

I told Indra many times that this hole in my heart seems cant be replaced my anything. And i wonder whether i'd feel this way my whole life.
I can actually feel my heart full again when i hugged my daughter in my dream. The sense of loss was suddenly gone and i felt a deep warmth in my heart. It was very real that when i opened my eyes, i still could feel the warmth feeling and i would do anything to feel that again.

Guess what, i had another dream last nite that relates to Em.
In my dream, i have a son, he's so tiny like Em when he was born, so tiny that i could carry him in one hand, but he is healthy and had my nose too.
I put on new clothes on him and at that moment i feel so sad that i couldnt put good clothes on Em when he was born. I was going to cry in my dream.

2 nights in a row after waiting for more than 1 month??
Could they be God's answers to my prayer? i did ask God to answer and give me comfort and assurance. I felt like He wanted to tell me that i have to move on so i wouldnt be blinded by the past. And i believe He has prepared something great ahead that finally can replace my loss and fill up my life again.
Now i know why God didnt give me the dream earlier, because i wouldnt be able to handle it so well. It could very much destroys me emotionally. Now that im moving on, He answered me in the way i wanted.

And yes God, i am moving on with You..

"Baby Em..
I had a dream last night that i have a son, he looked like you but i knew it wasnt you, he had different eyes than yours..
I am sad that i couldnt give you the very best and i couldnt put good clothes on you.
But i believe you are complete and healthy in there with Jesus, and that you are playing happily in heaven.
I am moving on baby Em, but it doesnt mean that im leaving you behind, you will always be in my heart, wherever i go. You will always be my beautiful son :)
I love you so much, i cant wait to give you the longest kiss and hug...and when that happen, i will never let you go again.."


Thursday, March 26, 2009

27.03.2009 | 08.47AM

God, im ready to start a new day
Please help me to keep positive and not letting anyone or anything bring me down
Help me to focus what's ahead and not looking what's in the past
God, please show me a glimpse of Your heart, touch my heart and help me to fall in love with You all over again.


Love love love this song, well..actually i love all of their songs :)

I got some bad news this morning
Which in turn made my day
When this someone spoke I listened
All of a sudden, has less and less to say
Ohhhhhh how could this be?
All this time, I've lived vicariously
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be told now?
How will my story be told now?

Made me feel like somebody
Hmmm, like somebody else
Although he was imitated often
It felt like I was bein myself
Is it a shame that someone else's song
Was totally and completely dependant on
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
I wonder if I'll live to grow old now
Gettin high cause I feel so low down

And maybe it's a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder
Was it possible you were hurtin worse than me
Still my hunger turns to greeeeed
Cause what about what I neeeeeed?!
And ohh Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Ohhhh I know I'm out of control now
Oooh-oooh, tired enough to lay my own soul down

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I came across this blog namesinthesand few days after i lost my son. I was in a horrible stage and i was looking some sort of comfort. Browsing through this blog reminds me that im not alone, so many people experience the lost too. This blog was created by Carly to honour children who have passed away by writing their names in the sand. So i requested Em's name to be written on the sand as well, and look at the result, it's so beautiful :). I thank her personally for creating this blog and im sure she has been a huge blessing for many people.

I know that i've been chosen to experience this because im special in His eyes and He has a great plan for me. He didnt let this happen to take me down but to bring me up even higher. I dont live for other people, i dont care what people say, they dont have the right to judge what i did or what i've been through. I will have the right focus, and it's in Jesus only.

Baby Em,
Look at the photo, it's so beautiful...i hope you like it :)
I love you always


Sunday, March 22, 2009

23.03.2009 | 10.32AM

At the office and it's raining heavily.

Since i had Em's memorial service, things have been quite good for me.
I didnt cry as much, in fact i cried only once or twice since then. I think the memorial service marked my time to stop grieving. Not saying that im fully recovered now, but i've started to move on. It's very slow but i know i am moving on.
I still miss him from time to time, especially when things happened and i wonder how it feels if he was still here with us. But again, he is the best place possible, he is with Jesus and probably playing happily with him.

I've been overwhelmed by the attentions i got from all of my friends. Some of them are not so close friends but yet they gave their encouragements and it comforted me so much.
Through this, i met my long lost friend. We used to go to the same church, and we usually sat together. But then she moved to other church and we never in contact again since then. She dropped me a message on facebook and we arranged a lunch together.

We havent met for at least 5 years and she has changed a lot, she serves at her church and become a huge blessing for the homeless people. If you remember, i wrote my passion in this blog before, and it has something to do with serving the community as well. She inspired me a lot, and somehow that passion came back to me again. She mentioned one thing, when she served and care for the homeless, our problems seem like nothing compare to what these people have gone through.
I believe God wants to use this tragic event for greater thing, i dont know, maybe to give me new passion and vision of what i can do for the community.

I better get back to work now, not much work at the office, but at least i have to pretend im doing one :P

Baby Em, how are you today?
Are playing with Jesus right now?
Mommy cant wait to see you and hold you again,
Be patient ok..
Love you, Mommy


When we bought our house, we had nothing.
We bought second hand sofa, second hand TV which we are still using until now, budgeted furniture package, etc.
The sofa that we bought was a good one, eventhough it's second hand. It's top quality, it has leather lining and prefect colour for our house. We are so happy with the sofa except the size. Yes, it's a 2 seaters sofa.

At first, the sofa was perfect for us, only me and Indra who sit on it, and it fits perfectly with our small house.
But when my sister came, it became a little bit crowded. When our friends came, some of them need to sit on the carpet as well :(

For 3 years, we have been doing a sofa hunting. We are so particular of what we want. We found several of sofas that we loved but we missed it because we had no extra money to spent. When Indra entered the photo competition, i asked him to buy sofa if he wins with the winning money, and he agreed.

The latest sofa that we found is called York Corner Chaise, we've been keeping our eyes on this sofa, hoping that we will have extra money soon to get it before it's gone. We love everything about this sofa.

As you can see on the corner, the price has been reduced and we have extra cash from the winning money!! we are so excited!!

Well, the thing now is, this sofa is a little bit too big for our house.
It will surely fit into our living room, but less space for people to go to the dining room :(
We worry that our house will look even smaller with this huge sofa set in the middle of our living room.
But i so dont want to lose this one...

Thursday, March 19, 2009


This morning we got a surprise!!! Indra has won the WedComp competition!!!
Here is the link: http://www.wedcomp.com/comp_winners.html

About The Shot:
It was a perfect day and a great wedding: simple and elegant. Wedding is about two people in love, expressing and declaring their love and commitment witnessed by the people around them. I love the way how the groom passionately kissing the bride, as it gives me an expression of how bold is their love for each other. And the expressions of those supportive people in the background creates a beautiful, joyful and unforgettable moment for the couple.

Judge's Comments:
Terrific use of the vertical crop. Wonderful decisive moment. I love the way the image is compressed and the complete tonality in the file. This image was the strongest overall because of the simplicity of the moment. It didn't try too hard to be something it wasn't, and the moment stood on it's own merit without photoshop actions or other post processing trickery. Nice, solid moment with terrific elements within the frame. Clear winner, for me.

Awwww...im so proud of Indra!!!
I've known him for 8 years, i know that he has a lot of talents, but he has low self confidence. He is uncomfortable with praises and attention. He always avoids people on his birthday, and he always acting weird whenever people praise his work. He feels that he never achieve anything and doesnt have much in himself.
I've been trying to change that ever since, and what he said this morning touched me so much.

He said happily "Wow, this is a weird feeling..i've never won anything before in my life"

I've been trying so hard to show him that he in fact has A LOT in him. And this morning, he proved himself wrong, and i was right all along! :)

See honey??
You have A LOT in you, you just need to acknowledge it and be proud of it!
I love you, and i will always stand behind you to give support and encouragement.
You just have to believe in yourself :)

Baby Em..
Do you see that? your dad is awesome!!!
I wish you were here to see all these..
You should be proud of your daddy :)
We love you and miss you..


Saturday, March 14, 2009


Last nite we held memorial service for my son,it was exactly 1 month since he was born.
We had around 17 people coming,they are our closest friends.
I went home from the office around 4 and bought flowers for the service.
I put Em's box on the small table with his teddy bear and blankets, I put his hand and foot prints on the frame.
The day before I bought a blue knitted blanket and white teddy bear,being my first toy that I bought for him.

It started around 6.45 and Ps Mike lead the worship, we sang 'Through It All' and 'He's Been Good'.
I haven't gone to church for almost 2 months and I forgot what it feels to worship God so it was so good to sing and worship Him.
I did cry listening to the words 'You never let me go,through it all...', I might don't feel it in times like these but I know for sure that He never let me go.
After that Ps Daniel opened with a prayer before delivering a short devotional.

There was 1 point that opened my eyes,he said that we all think that the world that we are living in now is the world of the living and when we died we go to the land of the dead,
But it's actually the other way around, we are living in world of the dead as we all will die someday and we will continue to the world of the living which is the heaven.
We will live together with Jesus where there is no tears and sadness anymore.
And for Em, he skipped the world of the dead and went straight to the world of living.
It strengthened me a lot, I can be sure that Em is with Jesus now and is happy and healthy, he is in the best place possible. He is playing with Jesus right now and watching his mommy and daddy from above.

After Ps Daniel finished the devotional, me and Indra came up and said thank you to the guys for coming and I read out the letter that we wrote for Em.
It was our first letter for Em, we miss him so much and hoping that he heard us.
Seeing people cried while we were crying truly made us realize how Em is loved by our friends and it brings comfort and joy to us.
I asked people to write short note or letter to Em and they put the letters into the box and some of them read out their letters.
It was so moving,I really hope and pray that Em could see and hear all the letters.

Baby Em,
Were you here last night?
Did you see how your uncles and aunts love and miss you so much?
I bought you a little white teddy bear, it's the first toy that i bought for you.
I hope you like it :). I also put the unfinished blanket that i knitted for you in the box. They all said that you looked like me, and im so proud of you.
We still miss you like crazy, but i know you are with Jesus now, and im sure you are sitting on His lap probably watching me writing this blog.
I cant wait to see you again Em, will you remember me when we meet?
When we meet again, i will hold and kiss you as long as i can.
Em, can you ask Jesus to keep holding mommy and daddy's hands? we need Him the most right now.
Ok, mommy needs to sleep now..be a good boy...

Lots of love and kisses,

Thursday, March 12, 2009

13.03.2009 | 08.39am

Exactly at this time, one month ago, i saw my son for the first time.
I can feel the pain, sadness, relieve, despair, and everything that you could ever felt.

God, i miss him...
How is he doing there? is he a good boy?
Please tell him that we love and miss him a lot.
Please tell him to remember us..

My head is spinning now, i cried too hard and too much last nite to the point i couldnt breath.
The pain is unbearable God, please take it away a little bit, please help me...

Emmanuel, how are you today?
Mommy misses you so much, especially today.
I held you for a while, and that's it...
Mommy is having a memorial service tonight with your aunts and uncles :)
Mommy asked them to write you a letter, so you know how much they miss and love you.
Last nite, I bought you a little white teddy bear, that was the first toy i got for you. I didnt have chance to do much for you, so many plans and dreams that we had for you, now they are gone. I didnt have a chance to finish the blanket that i knitted for you, i didnt have a chance to buy you lots of toys, i didnt have a chance to give you lots of kisses and hugs. I promised myself to give you the best that we could give.
You are in the best place now with Jesus, please be a good boy...
I love you my little man...

12.03.2009 | 4.34pm

God, im so tired today...
Dont know why, maybe because of the heat or because i ate too much.
God, wake me up please...

Tomorrow is my son's 1 month anniversary, we are going to have special service, simple and short one with our closest friends at home. Definitely not a joyful occasion, but yet i have to prepare this and that :(

God, time passes really slow in my world now...can You please make it faster a little bit for me?

Monday, March 9, 2009


How on earth could You take away so much from me??
Is it not enough that You have to put all these terrible things around me??
Why did You give it in the first place if You're going to take it away??
Why can't You ease my pain and burden just a little bit??
Why can't You answer me just like You answer others??
Am I that bad??
I gave You the best that I could,not for something in return but because I love You!!!
Where are You when I need You the most??
People are saying that they understand how I feel,but they don't! No one will understand the pain until they go through this.
People are saying that You are the source of strength at time like this,but how is that possible when You are the one who planned all these??
Am I Your black sheep that You have to torture me like this??
Why can't You give me the same happiness that You give to others??
You have all the powers in the world,is it too hard for You to answer me?
Was is pre-destined or free will??

I am waiting here...hellooo..are You there?? I guess not...

Sunday, March 8, 2009


It's been almost a month since i lost my little boy.
I have been through so many difficult situations in my life, but this is the hardest.
I dont feel like doing anything, even the coffee shop project doesnt interest me anymore :(. This coffee shop was for my son, so when he's born, i will have more time with him, but i guess it doesnt matter anymore.

I am mostly fine during the day while i work as i have so many things to do and people to talk to, but when i got home, i feel so lonely, and it's getting worse at night. It's difficult to close my eyes and not to think about anything. Because as soon as i free my mind, i will think about my son :(. I have to take sleeping pills at night before bed, it helps but not much because i feel like zombie in the morning.

I am grateful for many friends that concern about me. They do everything they can to cheer me up and listen to me everytime im down. I've been praying to God to give me an answer to this situation, i want to know why He's doing this. But so far there is no answer. I see Him differently now, i used to see Him as a God who is close to His children, God who cares and God who loves unconditionally. But i cant see that now:(

Maybe He is laughing happily looking at me like this, i hope He is satisifed.
Im not the best person, im not perfect, but i've been trying to be the best i can for Him, and it seems everything didnt matter to Him. I feel so betrayed.

Everyday, i feel that there is a big hole in my heart that cant be replaced, and sometimes that heart feels so heavy like a stone, and it hurts me a lot, but i guess He just doesnt care, maybe He is busy blessings other people and forgot about me, maybe He put me at the very bottom of His list. Oh well, what can i do? im only a human, it's all up to Him, i am just His puppet and He can plays with my life like a yoyo.

I often ask myself "What have i done to deserve this?? Am i that bad??" or maybe for Him i didnt give or serve enough, oh well..i have served and given the best i can..everything is for Him and only a little for myself, but again, i think it doesnt matter for Him.

Hmm..maybe i was pre-destined not to be loved by Him..so there is nothing i can do to fix this...

" Baby Em, i still miss u very much..do you miss me too? "


13th Feb 09, 08.39am, KEMH Subiaco.Our son, Emmanuel Ethan Pratama, was born.

As soon as I feel him arrived into the world, all the pains suddenly gone.
He silently entered the world.
I wasn't ready to see him that way but the nurse put him in my chest.
I saw him for the first and last time, he was tiny and looked like he was sleeping peacefully.
He definitely had my nose,cheek and chin, he looked a lot like me.

I saw the tears rolling down from Indra's eyes, I asked him to touch our son but he just shooked his head slowly while trying hard to holding back his tears.
I looked at Em and touched his cheek, I saw his tiny hands beneath the blanket, I wanted to open the blanket and hold his hands and feet but I was too scared I might break him.
After Indra cut his cord, I asked him to pray for Em, I prayed so that God carry my baby in His arms to heaven as he was too perfect for this unperfect world.
I beg God everyday for another chance to see baby Em, there is so much I want to say.

God, please read him this love letter from me.

"Baby Em... Mommy misses you everyday...
There were a lot of things I should've done when u were in my womb.
I had you for only a short time but it was the best moment in my life.
Mommy looks at your photo every single day with tears and I can't wait to see you face to face
and hold you in my arms again when the time comes.
I hope you forgive me for not holding you long enough and not kissing you when I had the chance,
but know this, I love you so much...you will always be mommy's little boy.
Lots of love and kisses,
Mommy and Daddy"