Tuesday, April 14, 2009


I like everything about house renovation, not only renovation but all small accessories for the house. I would save up my money just to buy bits and pieces for my house. I don't shop for clothes but i do spend money on house magazines, pillowcases, vases, lamps, sofa, frames, shelf, etc. It's very obvious from links that i have on my daily read, all about houses and interior. I love this particular couple on ThisYoungHouse who renovated their house and often share tips on DIY projects.

I got very excited on doing small house renovation or any DIY project. Last weekend we finally had a chance to fix our (very small) backyard after 3 years!!! Well, it's not finished yet, still ugly but it looks different now, and i can at least put a smile on my face whenever i see my backyard hehehe :P. I made some cushion covers as well, i found this fabulous damask fabric at Spotlight and they are my new babies now :P

Last night i had a chat with my good sister, she knows everything about my problems and she often shares good stories or encouragement that's really uplifting. I told her that my life currently is like a big fat mess. I'm still recovering slowly from what had happened, i don't know when my life will be back to normal again after i lost my son. Our coffee shop project is still in the progress and it's been dragging for a long time, we really cant predict the outcome. And i have resigned from my current job. So, if the coffee shop project doesn't go through, i will be jobless and still have to pay the mortgage. The mortgage itself, i feel like killing the mortgage broker now for wasting my money for their stupid mistake *sigh*. On top of all these, me and Indra became very sensitive, so little things can easily trigger an argument.

Anyway, she shared with me that our life is like a house renovation. God is renovating our lives at the moment and He hasn't finished yet, that's why it looks messy and ugly (just like my backyard). Sometimes, when me and Indra do our small DIY project, we got tired during the process and we decided to continue the project for next time, but then we forgot about it (that's what happened with our front yard fence, with only half of it painted) and I'm glad that God doesn't get tired in renovating us, otherwise we will be left as ugly as my fence!

The fact that God is pruning and shaping us right now brought us joy, He still loves and cares for us and He wants us to get better and stronger. Before doing the renovation, we usually draw or make a sketch of what we want for our garden or house. I believe it's the same with God, i know He has designed or drawn something more beautiful for our lives and He is starting His project now. We just have to be persistent and be steady, believing that God is not finished with us yet.
Yesterday, we said "we've had enough!! that's it!!" but thank God we decided to keep moving, otherwise His beautiful project will never gets done.

In less than a week, i will turn 26. I can see my life from 2 different angles.
1. Gosh, why do all these things happen to me in my early life? I shouldn't experience these now, how am i going to live the rest of my life with big emotional scars in my heart? and keep complaining why God is so unfair or
2. God thinks that i am strong, that's why He started His project now not later. He wants me to flexible and stronger now, not later. He wants to make me more beautiful now not later. How great is that? i should be grateful for all of these then? :)

I'm not good in writing and telling stories, but i just hope that one day i will be able to look back and read this, and be amazed of what God has done in my life. Thanks again sista for sharing :)

Monday, April 13, 2009


I've been feeling down from Sunday just because of something that Indra said.
In times like this, little things can really blow myself up.

Seeing other people happy and blessed with no major problem in their lives makes me down even more. How can God let others happy but not me? Why does God give other people a healthy baby but not me? These thoughts hurt me deeply.
What did i do to deserve all this? i know im not better than anyone else but im sure there are a lot of people that are worse than me. And what makes it harder is there are a lot of people falling pregnant now, i asked "God, is it not enough to take my son away, now You have to give me all these pregnant ladies in front of me? just great!!"

And im sick and tired of people saying "Dont worry, you'll be ok" or "I understand how you feel" bla bla bla...because you know what?? YOU DONT!! you dont know how it feels until you lost your child, so please if there is anyone who lost a child, come and show me how to deal with the grieve, otherwise, just get lost!

This morning i felt horrible, i didnt have energy left, i cried too long last night.
I could barely open my eyes and still driving hoping that something will hit me so i dont have to face all these again.

And i reluctantly read Our Daily Bread and hoping for some answer.
Today's title is: "God Remembers"
"God remembers us wherever we are. Our concerns are His concerns. Our pain is His pain. Commit your challenges and difficulties to Him. He is the all-seeing God who remembers us as a mother remembers her children, and He waits to meet our needs"

Well, this devotional didnt change my bad mood in a split second, but at least it's something that i can hold on to. Hoping that God really feels my pain right now.

Thursday, April 2, 2009


This posting especially created for my loving husband Indra.
I cant thank him enough for being there for me.
He makes me smile when im sad, he lifts me up when im down, he fills me with positive thoughts when negativities strike.
I know this has been a tough journey for you too, but yet you managed to keep me sane :). I dont remember how many times i asked you "why?" until you got annoyed and stressed out.

Im sorry sometimes i didnt realise that we are on the same boat, i expect answers from you when you are experiencing the same sadness and desperation for an answer.
Thank you for being strong for me. Thank you for holding my hand and putting your arms around me when i cry.

You always said i look great eventhough i gained few kilos :), and you always be proud of who i am.

We have so many differences and we argue a lot, but i couldnt ask for a better life companion than you. And i thank God for placing you in my life, because He knows that you are the best for me :)

02.04.2009 | 11.24PM

Today we went to KEMH again to meet the doctor and discuss about the autopsy result of my son.
I prayed so hard so there will be no bad news today, i've tried so hard bulding back my life and now that im moving on, i so dont want to hear anymore bad news.

We met the doctor who assisted me on the procedure, she is really nice lady, humble and thoughtful.
She basically said that the autopsy confirmed that there were no kidneys from the start, not even a tissue was developed for the kidney. The other parts of the body were normal, no genetic problem whatsoever. And she said the possibility of this occuring in the future is extremely small.

On the way home, i was thinking about all that happened, and everything became clear to me. When we first received the news about 3 months ago, some people told us to have faith in God that He will do miracle, and this was actually our test of faith. But after hearing the autopsy result, my mindset was changed, and somehow i can see it from a different angle.
My heart said that yes, this was our test, but a different test than what most people said. Our test was to have faith that God will restore our relationship with Him and that He has greater plan for us.

I know some of you will disagree with what im about to say. But i believe God put doctors and technology for a reason, im not saying that i should believe doctors more than God, but i shouldnt use my faith blindly. We do believe 100% that God can perform miracle, but it might not be God's test for us. We did ask God to speak to us if He wanted us to keep going, but He kept silent. Even if Em had 5% chance, we would go all the way, but it was 0% chance. The kidneys were not there all along, it makes me believe even more that God let all these happened for something, something great and it's true.

We are blessed that we've been having a good life with no major problems to solved. Sometimes when your life is smooth sailing, you dont really feel God's involvement in our lives. Maybe that's what happen with us. We truly believe that God let this happened because He wanted us to feel His love and involvement again. Oh yes, the feeling is crystal clear, we feel so loved by God, He put everything back to the right places.

*Baby Em..
Thank you for being there in our lives even for a short time
You are part of God's BIG plan for mommy and daddy's lives, you are in His mission,
and mommy truly blessed to experienced all these and to be able to hold you for a while.
You have brought us back into God's loving arms, and mommy loves you very much for that.
I miss you baby..*