Thursday, September 18, 2008


It's true, im currently questioning my 'home'.
A 'home' that supposed to be a shelter, a place where you can sit and relax, put down you burden and breathe without getting critized and judged.

A 'home' i called for 7 years. 'Home' where i serve and worship.
I never question my faith, but i question the essence of home.

A place where everyone should humble themselves, not a place for competition.
But how come all of my pain come from 'home'? It's wrong, totally wrong.
I didnt expect to have a perfect 'home', because it's full of unperfect people.
I've been trying to adjust, cut and trim myself here and there, hoping that my existence would give benefit to others. I feel that my flaws are not acceptable, i have to be perfect everytime, i cant be mad or angry, but ok being mad or angry at. My heart is extremely heavy everytime i'm heading there, there must be something wrong! I must have cut and trimmed myself too much.

Sometimes i wonder, why do people from outside are much better? they are full of understanding without being judgemental and theoritical. They dont based their kindness on a specific teaching. The world should go like this: if they are nice, we should be nicer, if they are wise, we should be wiser, but i could never prove that. What is wrong with my 'home'?

Is it possible to still have the faith without the 'home'?

Sunday, September 14, 2008


I am essentialy a quiet person, i dont talk much with new people. That's why when i got angry, usually i blow up.
I do have so much anger in my heart, im not a person that can forgive and forget. I can always build that relationship back, but that pain will stay in my heart.
I must admit, i am a person with so much revenge and hatred in my heart, i was raised this way.

But one thing i learn as i grow up, it may takes a while to change and fix your heart but you can always change your attitude and what comes out from your mouth.
When i was angry, i used to talk back to people and hurt them, i was very good at that. But then i realised, what's the point in that? showing them that you are stronger and better than them? No, that attitude looks shallow to me.

Especially when you are getting older, wiser and more mature, you have this urge to respond in a more intellectual way. Not with anger, shouts, harsh words. As im getting older, i tend to shut my mouth when my heart is boiling, the reason is i dont want to hurt people's feeling, i will let it calm first and talk. That way it will be a 'win-win' situation.

Im still 25 yrs old, i still have a lot to learn, but i can say im proud of myself in the way i handle my mouth and attitude :)

I've been fasting and praying for a week, i do have several problems and tribulations to overcome, and God has put some tests over the week and they were not easy. I am still waiting for what i've been praying for, but during that God showed me other things as well. After a full day of fasting, i always looking forward for the dinner, and i feel so grateful for the food, it becomes something so precious and valuable. It made me realise how God has blessed me so much, much more than a good food, i never lack of anything and yet still complaining.

PS: "Thank you Tas for knowing me better than others, luv ya"

Tuesday, September 2, 2008




Monday, September 1, 2008