It's been almost a month since i lost my little boy.
I have been through so many difficult situations in my life, but this is the hardest.
I dont feel like doing anything, even the coffee shop project doesnt interest me anymore :(. This coffee shop was for my son, so when he's born, i will have more time with him, but i guess it doesnt matter anymore.
I am mostly fine during the day while i work as i have so many things to do and people to talk to, but when i got home, i feel so lonely, and it's getting worse at night. It's difficult to close my eyes and not to think about anything. Because as soon as i free my mind, i will think about my son :(. I have to take sleeping pills at night before bed, it helps but not much because i feel like zombie in the morning.
I am grateful for many friends that concern about me. They do everything they can to cheer me up and listen to me everytime im down. I've been praying to God to give me an answer to this situation, i want to know why He's doing this. But so far there is no answer. I see Him differently now, i used to see Him as a God who is close to His children, God who cares and God who loves unconditionally. But i cant see that now:(
Maybe He is laughing happily looking at me like this, i hope He is satisifed.
Im not the best person, im not perfect, but i've been trying to be the best i can for Him, and it seems everything didnt matter to Him. I feel so betrayed.
Everyday, i feel that there is a big hole in my heart that cant be replaced, and sometimes that heart feels so heavy like a stone, and it hurts me a lot, but i guess He just doesnt care, maybe He is busy blessings other people and forgot about me, maybe He put me at the very bottom of His list. Oh well, what can i do? im only a human, it's all up to Him, i am just His puppet and He can plays with my life like a yoyo.
I often ask myself "What have i done to deserve this?? Am i that bad??" or maybe for Him i didnt give or serve enough, oh well..i have served and given the best i can..everything is for Him and only a little for myself, but again, i think it doesnt matter for Him.
Hmm..maybe i was pre-destined not to be loved by Him..so there is nothing i can do to fix this...
" Baby Em, i still miss u very much..do you miss me too? "
Sunday, March 8, 2009
SLEEPLESS NIGHTS
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Oh dear..
I was searching for 'sleepless' in google and I found your blog. I don't know who you are but I'm very sad reading your post. I can't imagine how Father in heaven feels if He reads this (and I'm sure He reads!)
I just drop by to tell you that we serve Him is because we love Him, not because we expect something in return from Him. What He promises us is a salvation, isn't that more than enough? If you are now crying for your lost child, so is your Father in Heaven now! He's also now crying for His-almost-lost-child; which is you! Please dont ever blame Him, dear. He's crying up there too, longing for you to run back to His arms. And He wanted to tell you that "Nothing in your life is arbitrary; It is all for A PURPOSE!"
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