It's true, im currently questioning my 'home'.
A 'home' that supposed to be a shelter, a place where you can sit and relax, put down you burden and breathe without getting critized and judged.
A 'home' i called for 7 years. 'Home' where i serve and worship.
I never question my faith, but i question the essence of home.
A place where everyone should humble themselves, not a place for competition.
But how come all of my pain come from 'home'? It's wrong, totally wrong.
I didnt expect to have a perfect 'home', because it's full of unperfect people.
I've been trying to adjust, cut and trim myself here and there, hoping that my existence would give benefit to others. I feel that my flaws are not acceptable, i have to be perfect everytime, i cant be mad or angry, but ok being mad or angry at. My heart is extremely heavy everytime i'm heading there, there must be something wrong! I must have cut and trimmed myself too much.
Sometimes i wonder, why do people from outside are much better? they are full of understanding without being judgemental and theoritical. They dont based their kindness on a specific teaching. The world should go like this: if they are nice, we should be nicer, if they are wise, we should be wiser, but i could never prove that. What is wrong with my 'home'?
Is it possible to still have the faith without the 'home'?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
SEARCHING FOR HOME
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5 comments:
Home is where your heart is,have u been questioning your heart lately? :)
Home is where your heart is,have u been questioning your heart lately? :)
halo Fang, permisi comment...
wow thats exactly what i feel too most of the time.
Tuy (so much for being anonymous)
One thing I do when I get upset with someone is to ask God to show me what is in my heart, its easy to point your finger at others, its easy to see the imperfections of others, what about turning the spotlight on ourselves? Are we sometimes too scared to examine our own hearts for fear of what we might actually discover? It great that you were in ministry but what was the motive of your ministry in the first place? If it was to please man then I think you have already discovered the result of such motivation. Now i am not saying its wrong to want to do a good job but we must do it unto the Lord and for Him only, all other motivations are just vain pursuits. And ppl always look better on the outside (outside the church), and do you want to know why? Because you dont really know them. Any stranger can put their "best" foot forward and appear to be "better" than one of your "family/church" members, but once you get to know them they also will have their own weaknesses. God doesnt take perfect ppl and make them perfect, He takes imperfect ppl and brings them to perfection (this does happen very slowly for most of us i must say). Either way i hope you are able to learn and grow from this experience and mature more in Christ, it takes situations like these to show us that we are not really as mature and have it all together as we think. Dont run from your "home" cos I dont think your "home" is the problem. If you run then sooner or later you are going to arrive at the same place again and be even more bitter and disappointed then you are now. You are not going to find a perfect home because if you did then you would be in heaven :)
fang... no matter how u feel... just remember... be grateful in all things and for all things... life is never perfect.. nobody is perfect... that's why life is full of surprises... and life is a gift.. and gift are not always as we expect it would be... but we have to respect the gift.. and be thankful that the gift is ours... and yours...
take care sis
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