13.03.2009 | 08.39am

Exactly at this time, one month ago, i saw my son for the first time.
I can feel the pain, sadness, relieve, despair, and everything that you could ever felt.

God, i miss him...
How is he doing there? is he a good boy?
Please tell him that we love and miss him a lot.
Please tell him to remember us..

My head is spinning now, i cried too hard and too much last nite to the point i couldnt breath.
The pain is unbearable God, please take it away a little bit, please help me...
God...why?

Emmanuel, how are you today?
Mommy misses you so much, especially today.
I held you for a while, and that's it...
Mommy is having a memorial service tonight with your aunts and uncles :)
Mommy asked them to write you a letter, so you know how much they miss and love you.
Last nite, I bought you a little white teddy bear, that was the first toy i got for you. I didnt have chance to do much for you, so many plans and dreams that we had for you, now they are gone. I didnt have a chance to finish the blanket that i knitted for you, i didnt have a chance to buy you lots of toys, i didnt have a chance to give you lots of kisses and hugs. I promised myself to give you the best that we could give.
You are in the best place now with Jesus, please be a good boy...
I love you my little man...

12.03.2009 | 4.34pm

God, im so tired today...
Dont know why, maybe because of the heat or because i ate too much.
God, wake me up please...

Tomorrow is my son's 1 month anniversary, we are going to have special service, simple and short one with our closest friends at home. Definitely not a joyful occasion, but yet i have to prepare this and that :(

God, time passes really slow in my world now...can You please make it faster a little bit for me?

11.40pm

How on earth could You take away so much from me??
Is it not enough that You have to put all these terrible things around me??
Why did You give it in the first place if You're going to take it away??
Why can't You ease my pain and burden just a little bit??
Why can't You answer me just like You answer others??
Am I that bad??
I gave You the best that I could,not for something in return but because I love You!!!
Where are You when I need You the most??
People are saying that they understand how I feel,but they don't! No one will understand the pain until they go through this.
People are saying that You are the source of strength at time like this,but how is that possible when You are the one who planned all these??
Am I Your black sheep that You have to torture me like this??
Why can't You give me the same happiness that You give to others??
You have all the powers in the world,is it too hard for You to answer me?
Was is pre-destined or free will??

I am waiting here...hellooo..are You there?? I guess not...

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

It's been almost a month since i lost my little boy.
I have been through so many difficult situations in my life, but this is the hardest.
I dont feel like doing anything, even the coffee shop project doesnt interest me anymore :(. This coffee shop was for my son, so when he's born, i will have more time with him, but i guess it doesnt matter anymore.

I am mostly fine during the day while i work as i have so many things to do and people to talk to, but when i got home, i feel so lonely, and it's getting worse at night. It's difficult to close my eyes and not to think about anything. Because as soon as i free my mind, i will think about my son :(. I have to take sleeping pills at night before bed, it helps but not much because i feel like zombie in the morning.

I am grateful for many friends that concern about me. They do everything they can to cheer me up and listen to me everytime im down. I've been praying to God to give me an answer to this situation, i want to know why He's doing this. But so far there is no answer. I see Him differently now, i used to see Him as a God who is close to His children, God who cares and God who loves unconditionally. But i cant see that now:(

Maybe He is laughing happily looking at me like this, i hope He is satisifed.
Im not the best person, im not perfect, but i've been trying to be the best i can for Him, and it seems everything didnt matter to Him. I feel so betrayed.

Everyday, i feel that there is a big hole in my heart that cant be replaced, and sometimes that heart feels so heavy like a stone, and it hurts me a lot, but i guess He just doesnt care, maybe He is busy blessings other people and forgot about me, maybe He put me at the very bottom of His list. Oh well, what can i do? im only a human, it's all up to Him, i am just His puppet and He can plays with my life like a yoyo.

I often ask myself "What have i done to deserve this?? Am i that bad??" or maybe for Him i didnt give or serve enough, oh well..i have served and given the best i can..everything is for Him and only a little for myself, but again, i think it doesnt matter for Him.

Hmm..maybe i was pre-destined not to be loved by Him..so there is nothing i can do to fix this...

" Baby Em, i still miss u very much..do you miss me too? "

BABY EMMANUEL

13th Feb 09, 08.39am, KEMH Subiaco.Our son, Emmanuel Ethan Pratama, was born.

As soon as I feel him arrived into the world, all the pains suddenly gone.
He silently entered the world.
I wasn't ready to see him that way but the nurse put him in my chest.
I saw him for the first and last time, he was tiny and looked like he was sleeping peacefully.
He definitely had my nose,cheek and chin, he looked a lot like me.

I saw the tears rolling down from Indra's eyes, I asked him to touch our son but he just shooked his head slowly while trying hard to holding back his tears.
I looked at Em and touched his cheek, I saw his tiny hands beneath the blanket, I wanted to open the blanket and hold his hands and feet but I was too scared I might break him.
After Indra cut his cord, I asked him to pray for Em, I prayed so that God carry my baby in His arms to heaven as he was too perfect for this unperfect world.
I beg God everyday for another chance to see baby Em, there is so much I want to say.

God, please read him this love letter from me.

"Baby Em... Mommy misses you everyday...
There were a lot of things I should've done when u were in my womb.
I had you for only a short time but it was the best moment in my life.
Mommy looks at your photo every single day with tears and I can't wait to see you face to face
and hold you in my arms again when the time comes.
I hope you forgive me for not holding you long enough and not kissing you when I had the chance,
but know this, I love you so much...you will always be mommy's little boy.
Lots of love and kisses,
Mommy and Daddy"

AT HOME.....FINALLY...

Yes, i'm finally home!!!
Arrived at Jakarta on Sunday greeted by traffic jam and super humid weather. My hair turned afro as soon as i stepped out from the plane :(
I spent almost 2 days at my in-law's house, and this morning i took 6 hours trip by train from Jakarta to my home town.

Thank God everything was ok, my body was fit during the long and exhausting trip, my apetite has came back little bit. I ate black pepper crab, nasi tim, noodle, tahu gejrot, etc etc during my 2 days in Jakarta *this is what u called a little??*. I so LOVE indo food!

My mom has prepared all the food that i love, including that glorious nasi bakar!!!
Ohh..im soo gonna enjoy the food *Taz, Ndra, dont worry i havent forgotten u guys, i did take photos of all the foods :P*

I miss Indra already :(.
I have arranged the catering for him before i go and i have also washed and ironed all his clothes, hopefully he can take care of himself over there. I cant wait to see you again!!! *all my kisses and hugs to you*

Now im waiting for him to go online *what took you so long?*...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!!!

MIRACLE IN THE MAKING

Let's call it Baby Pratama for now.